I flicked my cigarette down the sewer and pulled another out of the pack because the feeling had come back again. The summer sun beat down on me as I walked through the campus, passing the library with its vast stone columns inspired by the ancient Greeks and Romans. Neo-something I think its called though I can’t remember much from those hopeful college days anymore. No - all it took was a few years for my mind to become clouded with the forms and policies and regulations that I have the great pleasure in explaining with remarkable customer service six days a week. Always on the clock.
I wish I could return to those steps to lean on the columns and sketch inspired designs for hours. Now I’m afraid my focus fades whenever I take out the empty white sketchbook. Always back to those empty gray rows of cubicles in my mind. That’s why I walk and that’s why I smoke even though it doesn’t help.
I walked some more and reflected on the stone structures and towering trees that line the campus. Both must be over a hundred years old though I have to say the trees are in better shape for their core has not been rotten from depriving the youth of their natural spark that creates such iconic architecture. Just passed the library is the newest, squarest, smoothest, ugliest cost effective res hall. They must have hired another slick consultant to explain how its going to help save the planet while also ripping out a row of oak trees that used to shade the walkway. I looked up to avoid gazing at unpleasantries on my day off and noticed that the cathedral that sits far beyond the forest at the edge of the campus was now visible. Its white stone exterior glimmered in the sun and the high vaulted ceilings and ornate rose patterns towered high over the oak and pine trees. Its about two centuries old but it’s gothic style is based on the cathedrals in Europe during the medieval era. Well, I guess I didn’t forget everything I learned.
Soon I reached the perimeter of the institutional sphere and sat down on the curb. Across the street began the downtown district with a long row of shops and bars and restaurants. Several groups of students were laughing and eating and drinking at the tables on the sidewalk. Thats all the do is laugh and snort like pigs and drink themselves stupid. Anything to keep from thinking about where it all goes. I pity them for eating desert before they eat dirt. They will get everything they deserve. That much is certain.
*
I crossed the street and passed a few places before arriving at the good pub where you can sit in the dark and no one bothers you. I put my hand on the door handle and paused. Something was preventing me from going in like the door was locked. I stood there with my hand on the handle for a moment and remembered what I could from last night. The harder I thought the more my head hurt. Drinking didn’t make the feeling go away either. No. It really only made the next day worse and my headache was just beginning to fade so I took my hand off the handle and went further down the road.
The sun had started to set and a breeze blew on my back. I wondered if I set my alarm for tomorrow morning. I checked my phone and saw I had received nearly a dozen emails from work with various requests. Heat rushed from my stomach to my forehead so I just shut my phone off and tried to forget. It was going to be busy from the jump, and I began to dread the fight. The fight that goes through the week and repeats and never ends. It somehow creates jadedness and anxiousness and a sense of being trapped though its hard to differentiate it all in the moment. I felt a sharp pain in my intestines and began to wonder if I should see a doctor. Can’t these imbeciles just give me one day without some deadline? I needed to rest and one day is simply not enough. Maybe I’ll call in sick tomorrow. But then again I need the money…
Though I had eaten not too long ago I could feel the hunger come roaring back. My stomach and my mind seemed to roar endlessly. I decided to walk to the diner anyway. Out of the corner of my eye I could see tombstones behind the black gate along the sidewalk. I can usually walk fast enough but this time I caught a glimpse and shuttered. Suddenly my chest was on fire which forced me to slow down and stop by the gate. I unbuttoned the top of my shirt and looked around for somewhere to sit before settling for the lamp post where I caught my footing and gasped for air. I leaned on the post and let out several large breaths. I must have stopped breathing. I felt a hand on my shoulder.
“You okay there brother?” The voice said.
I collected myself. “Just trapped some smoke in my lung. Think I’m alright…”
I recognized the voice. I started to stand up straight and turned to look at the man. It was Daniel from the office. He’s been working there longer than anyone else but I don’t know him well.
“Oh, Jeremiah? Didn’t know that was you. You sure you’re alright? You might want to get that chest checked out.” He looked concerned behind his glasses.
I tried to speak but I realized I hadn’t said a word to anyone in some time so I cleared my throat. “Yeah yeah I’m good…Thanks. I was just heading to the diner. One last stop for the night you know before we all go back tomorrow.”
“Ah yes, of course. Great food at Anna’s. Well, I better get going before I’m late for evening mass. You’re welcome to come along if you’d like. We usually get a group together to eat after.”
I could feel my chest getting heavy again. “Oh uh. No thanks. I don’t really go anymore.”
“I see. We’ll if you change your mind just take the north trail up through the forest. Hope you feel better, young man.” He pointed to the trail sign and smiled warmly before walking away.
“Yeah you too…” I lost my focus as I could see his gray hair depart from behind the trees. I breathed in and out slow until my chest eased up. Now my appetite was gone. I shouldn’t stuff myself again anyway. Too many times I’ve wolfed down endless fries and chocolate ice cream at the diner which left my hands and feet inflamed. I thought of going home to my tiny basement apartment. Even during the day little light gets in. I wish I wasn’t so busy when I was looking for a place to stay. My lease was up in three months and now I don’t care to fix the place up.
I shuttered again at the thought of getting up in a short time. I wondered how old man Dan managed to do it after all those years of calls and handling difficult personalities and the numbers quotas and the grind. They say to put in the time and you’ll move up even though theres no where to go. Maybe he’s a sucker who believes everything they tell him. Why else would he spend his waning free time listening to the made up nonsense they teach in church?
**
I started walking again and thought I might spend some time in nature and walked towards the north trail. The sun that glowed orange as it lowered through the trees. The trees in this forrest are thick and old with wild patterns throughout the trunks that gives them real character. Everything felt alive on the path. I walked some more as the sun’s sphere came out of sight and soon I crossed the bridge at the end of the trail and came upon an enormous sycamore tree that stood out amongst the other trees in the lawn of the old decaying cathedral.
The tree looked beautiful in the golden hour glow of the sun so I climbed up to get a better view of the sunset. Once I reached the top I had an amazing view. I could see over the university and the downtown district about a mile away, and I could see my apartment building farther off in the distance. I could see over the diner and the campus columns, but I could not see over the cathedral. I admit its beautiful now that I can see the details in the stained glass windows. There may be some structural maintenance needed to keep it standing, but I couldn’t help but to admire how long it took to develop the immense layered patterns from the windows to the seams to the rooftop scaffolding. I felt the urge to sketch again as I slowly observed each intricate design I could find with great satisfaction.
The church bells unexpectedly rang and it broke my concentration causing me to nearly fall out of the tree before catching my balance. A priest came out of the front doors and welcomed the patrons as they walked in. He wore a purple robe and scanned to see if anyone else was coming inside. He looked up and saw me way up in the tree.
“Come down immediately.” He said sternly. It was quite fun being perched up there but I suppose it was on the churches property so I quickly climbed down and looked over at him.
“Are you coming in?” He asked curiously.
“I don’t know.” I said a bit surprised he asked.
“Well we are getting started in just a minute.” He took a step towards the door and looked back at me. “We always keep the doors unlocked if you choose to open them.”
I was taken aback at the way he spoke those words. It was genuine yet mysterious like he knew something I could not see. I stopped going to the services several years ago as I could no longer suspend my belief with their logical leaps and contradictions. Though now I felt as if it might not matter. I could feel my convictions unraveling. Nothing I’ve tried has done anything to shake this terrible dread that’s followed me everywhere. Why do I wake up with a guilty headache while the people here come and go merrily? I felt a sense of regret about the hateful things I said about them. Maybe I wasn’t as smart as I thought.
***
I put my hand on the towering door handle and pulled. To my surprise the interior shimmered agelessly. I sat down in the back row to avoid attracting attention. Should I have worn something nicer? My leg shook as I looked at the people in the pews and expected judging stares but I saw goodness in the sea of humanity. There were elderly people with hunched backs and young couples with little kids and some people who were just like me. Worn down and seeking.
The piano played to signal the start of mass and we all stood up. I saw the priest walk down the middle aisle carrying the cross and I looked away because I don’t know the prayers or what I’m supposed to do. I was afraid to cause a scene. I looked back at the door but I caught eyes with Daniel who smiled wide when he saw me.
I kept my kept head down and began to sway to the music. Soon I hummed quietly as the parishioners sang the words in unison. I felt the numbness that defined my working days fade into an indescribable heaviness. I looked up at the cross and thought about sacrifice and remembered something I heard on the radio. That the cross was where the greatest suffering lead to the greatest transformation. I didn’t understand it then but it made a little sense to me now. Enough sense to calm this chaotic mind that kept me wandering the streets. Maybe with some direction I wouldn’t need to wander so much. I thought of how minor my worries would be if I could share a sliver of that strength on the cross. And for the time being I was not afraid of where this unexpected turn of events was going or how it would all end.
I listened some more and became still, and I realized I was afraid of many things. I was afraid of changing careers. I was afraid I would never dig myself out of this pile of debt. I was afraid I was stuck. Why did I give so much to this fruitless path? I’m too damn young to be this bitter, and it’s scary how quick it consumed me.
But for the first time I thought there were new possibilities. I might be able to find a way through all of this.
I refocused and followed along with the prayers that echoed in my mind afterward. The words repeated over and over and my mind returned to them if it wandered too far. Then the readings were spoken and I ate the bread and kneeled. I prayed for strength and for those without direction and then again for myself. My mind was quiet and I felt a wave of relief wash over me in this mysterious respite. I don’t know what it means or where its taking me but I want to find out and feel this hope and light some more. And in the morning I was ready to face the challenges of the day for I was finally rested.
Special thanks to David for helping with the editing and revision. Check out his substack here.